Unusual Happy Day:)

As I mentioned my wish before to do Grouse Grind...well thanks to weather that didn't happen. But my very good friend took charge and said lets go for a 10kms walk at Stanley park. I jumped to the occasion because I love to walk. It was nice sunny that day but had ice on the mountains but I am not giving up on Grouse Grind. So we planned our dinner first as what we need to do after the walk. We agreed on cooking some Indian food. At first we thought we are going to do that on her boat but the day was spontaneous. While were pacing, my friend said that "hey do you want to go for lunch with another friend?". We went at one of the expensive dock clubs. So the friend joined in and then the venue for dinner at my friends changed to the other friends house.
We cooked together. I am thankful to my prep chef and gods grace as the food turned out good. That very night made me feel so free and independent. We all had lots of fun and hope for more dinners like that...Amen:)

Pep talk:)

I have always wondered that how people help each other even when they don't know each other. My schools last day before holidays. Many students in my class planned and went out. I was so happy that we all came this far and supported each other all this while. As every one left to party or something, i stayed back as usual. I was about to leave when this lady who works as a project manager in school stopped me and started asking as how am I doing?
First of all I thank everyone who has been there for me in each day of school. I made may friends and I am happy about the fact that I have my own set of friends. So back to that sweet lady. As we started talking she said "why do I not see you smiling more often....you are young and beautiful why do I see you sad"...and our conversation went on. I told her my reasons but i wonder that the feelings I have been hiding   from my family these people who have known me for few months they can see right through me. See I don't easily share my personal situation with anyone. There were few important statements she made like "find a solution to the things that are bothering you". After few minuts she said that I will tell you one thing that when you hit the bottom, the only way is to go is top. I really thought about it for a long time and really thought that yes i have come a long way alone. In my own history I am a survivor. My present situation sucks sometimes but I so want an independent life. Anyways Talking to her helped me through the weekend and I feel better. I think i found a new friend. She is so innocent looking reserved kind of a woman who just sensed my feelings. I hope i can do something special for her in the coming days. Pep talk really helps:)

Since the time I have arrived in Canada This where I want to go. The first picture is kind of scary but I think with my well experienced friend I will be able to conquer Grouse Grind. And hope we go soon. Why am I writing this because they(I saw this show on Opera where a woman in Africa made her dreams come true by drawing in her notebook and looking at them every single day...this is inspired by her) say that if you let your word out in any way like you write your goals or draw a picture and visit that writing or piece of drawing everyday, It is believed that it will come true. This is one wish that i want it to come true as soon as possible. Since I have no interest in attending parties or get togethers but i am more interested in shaping my personality with something more meaningful(p.s I like parties with hot guys other than that not interested...just kidding).

Song of the day - Arms

Came across this beautiful song...Its crazy how people have universal feelings. Highs and lows makes all of us feel the same but the way we project our feelings are different. This song just made me feel that a woman can only feel and actually mean what they say ....especially when someone say " you put your arms around me and I am home".
Such a beautiful feeling it is to cherish someones warmth just the way home feels. I wonder if the man feels the same haha...anyways i like this song and thought of sharing it...enjoy.

Body and Soul

We are bounded by our bodies
and searching for a soul
Deep within my heart
I long for another heart
My wishes have turned into a need
My karma is the seed for tomorrow
This universe is listening to my sorrow
but where are you if there is no tomorrow
Fairytale is what I grew up with
where love was as real as me right now
but are those just to hold our hopes
or just to bind our lives into loopes
Now i feel love is despair
but I also heard it is very rare
I wish i knew as what purpose i have to fulfill
This journey from one heart to the heart needs to be killed

We are bounded by our bodies
and searching for a soul

F.O.B

I will start sharing my feelings here because its an easy way to ventilate. I have been thinking for a long time that being new to the country how much are you accepted into the the society. I understand and accept the fact that Canada is multicultural and has embraced many cultures in its system. No i am not talking about in terms of countries but more in terms as how do people accept us as immigrants.
It is a shame that even though we(i mean immigrants) try so hard to learn everything new and try to gell in but we still remain the outsiders. This is just not my feeling or observation. After hundreds of insults and becoming a fabulous joke amongst group of people i have realized that i don't belong here. But now i am here what do I do? Due to my personal reasons I can't even go back to India. And i don't want to associate with those set of people anymore but they are family and i will have to see them. On the other hand i have an option to just move to some other country where i don't have anyone.
It is true that brown people do not like each other I see that every single day. I never thought that my race is going to be a part of my struggle. First time i heard the word "dipper" from my ex-sister in law and since then this word has been living with me every single day. I never heard this word being used by Caucasians or any other race other than Brown people. So this is how it goes....I went to a family gathering yesterday. Lots of people were there. It was one my second cousins baby ritual. So the night went on and bunch of ladies were talking i walked into the room searching for my phone . I found my phone and saw that one of my aunts employee called me. So my cousin takes the charge to phone her back as it does not make any sense if I phone her. As my cousin was making the employee a call she said "Why is that dipper phoning you??? Maybe because you are a dipper too and she feels comfortable with you...haha". And those other ladies started laughing and cracking more jokes on it. Now why did my cousin bring that up? To make herself look better than me or putting me down helps her to boost her confidence or lets just say to look cool. just listening to that and there has been more insults that i never shared makes me think that even my own child is going to do that to me. I am going to raise a child with all my heart to hear that I don't belong here. I am not trying to say that i have a problem being an indian from India. I see my uncle go through that everyday. But he has kids and happily married. but his own kids think that he knows less because he is an immigrant. It s funny that all his hard work and starting his life from scratch is being overlooked by his own  kids. As an immigrant we learn everything all over again. ways of living to dressing, government system and social mannerism or just say language to any thing. We putt so much of an effort at the end of the day to hear that we are "Dippers".
It is people's perception about my personality which takes me down. There has been moments when girls have made me comments and i took it. One thing about my personality I hate is that i can't answer back or hurt someone even though i get hurt. I think i find it steeping low to that persons level is not something i would do.
So my conclusion is I am just going to isolate myself as much as i could to avoid any more insults. I think that really messes up my brain. I wish I knew that being in a new country is not as welcoming as it sounds like. Another thing I would like to mention is that Brown people do not do that to any other race. That's what i mean that we don't like each other so what is the point accompanying people who really don't care about you. I am at a point where i wish that i can be on my own so that silence becomes my comfort zone. Being alone is much better than having bodies around you for just the sake to fill up the space.
This is the irony that when i was married i wished for some kind of my own family to be around and now i have it and now i just want to be all alone. Thats why i like going to school. It gives me a good break. I am going to look for a job where i just work for 10 to 12 hrs, six days minimum working so that i can make enough money and be independent.
Sorry for boring you guys and putting my negative energy out here but seriously I feel better now. Much better than from yesterday when I came home and cried and today got up and cried. Its not that i like to cry but since the time i have moved to canada crying is almost as common as smiling. I remember that there was a time when i never used to cry. I guess God is enjoying seing me breaking down. Anyways in few months I will know as what I have to do with my life live here or to move to a new country.

My learning

There are going to be different points i would like to share today. It has been two months already that i have started school. I am learning a lot. I am learning more about people than just my studies. By that i mean that once you start understanding people and different cultures you get to know more about yourself.

1. You must have heard and observed this statement a lot 'believe in yourself'. Yes, this is absolutely true. If you want to make things work have trust in your gut feelings and knowledge. I just cleared an exam with fair enough marks just on my gut feeling. And not just that i have come a long way just feeling what is right for me. so yeah that really works.

2. Learn from the people around you. I have a very dynamic class. People from different parts of the world. We all come together with different knowledge and different ways of looking at things. What i have learned from my friends is that not to panic and be comfortable if you don't understand something. On personal level i have known them more and they also help me in shaping up my views and ideas. I am lucky to have them and very grateful.

3. My uncle makes the best sandwiches....I mean he is THE BEST. I appreciate all my families support and              
love.

4. This to my another friend....i admire her will power and her strength. I learn so much from her every single day she has no idea. A very passionate, hardworking and strong lady who has done so much in life that i don't think that even a man can do.

5. People come and go in your life for a reason and some people fade out of your life. which is normal. As a single woman i can say that you give what the person is looking for but don't hold anyone because you want a company or a support in your life( i understand this as a practicality of life but still working on it).

Me, myself and I

After a long observation i have come to a conclusion that when people have met there daily needs easily by that i mean food, house, job stuff like that they care less about any other person. I have been living in Canada now for 2 years and have figured out that nobody is different in that case. By saying all that i do not want to be self serving and show myself as i am not selfish but seriously i am not that a selfish person. Everyone is looking for what makes them happy and fulfills there happiness. It is kind of sad that people try so hard dating and they never come across the right person.
I have tried tried dating online...and even came across this guy whom I really thought I will get along. But due to family issues and everything i had to let him go. It's not like i fell in love but to have that freedom finally in my life where i can take a step for myself was more that i was looking forward too. So this guy just cancels the date which hurt ed me but i don't blame him.
I could not even explain him whole situation. And then i figured to go against the families wish and just take a chance. I went out with this guy. I had a great time and much more...ha. But seriously why do I meet such people who have issues. This does not want to be committed. By saying that I don't mean he is a bad person. Treats me well but also keeps his distance. Plus i am not a nagger. He says that he is happy being alone and he has no room for any other person in his life. But I do see him being loose from his feelings but one i will say is that i am not using him. But it hurts me to just come back to reality and say that i am not with anyone. I wonder what happened in his life that he has such a cold shoulder. Well, right my situation is a bit confusing coz i get attached or i can just say that i want to be attached to somebody who i can say is mine. See that's what i mean that i just don't want to think about myself. I want to make someone happy and care for.
Last week i went to my cousins party and i see a big difference between me and other girls out there. I don't showoff or do anything to get people's attention. Thank god i am hot enough to get noticed as i just walk by. but still i have a long way to go. I still have to establish myself and be on my own. For all this support i am very thankful to my family.

Final Trial

Tommorow is a big day. It's the starting day of the criminal case that i am going through. Don't worry, i am not the accused but the victim. In all this time as i have been talking about my ex-being an asshole plus his ridiculous family, i feel the coming week is going to liberate me from this court case pressure. I have waited paitenlty part scared part depressed and stressed and what not.
Well, i know what that asshole has thought over the years. He surely cused and still would have blamed me for being wrong but little he knows that after getting kicked in the ass from him It was me who suffered the most. Ahhh. enough talking about him and his doing. I have never cared less about him as I do now. On finding a life partner...I have come across many other men which makes it even more difficult for me to understand men here in Canada. Yes, I think there have been a time as i might have over reacted in having somebody in my life. But seriously, that part of my life is still empty but i am not dying because i don't have a partner.
See how nice does it sound calling someone your partner! It's amazing as i think i made a mistake of being ignorant in India about men around me. But seriously I never came across a man who would swept me away.
Now when it comes to sharing my blog "i don't do that". As I write for myself and have shared about this blog with only one guy till now. To whom i never see checking in here and waisting his time. I keep my feelings private. I feel when i am writting, its my space and its my zone. Yeah... so back to the court case, I hope those loosers give up and get a good punishment. That's all other wise in any case, i am moving on.

Say the words that you mean

I just heard an awesome song by Chris Medina. I thank my friend for introducing me to the singer. Wow...people still mean those wedding vows or the words they say. Well, in my case I am not very optimistic but also think when the time will be right I will be able find the right person. I do feel the pressure as I have seen so many brides in the last year that it hurts me. I am very happy for them and I wish they will have a wonderful journey. But when comes to me it does not work.

Actually love from any man till now has not worked out for me. The first they would say is you’re attractive or beautiful. All the compliments I do take them from my heart but what else. Is there anything else you would want to know about me? Are interested in knowing my passions and ideas? Are you going to be patient enough to stand by my side and the most important do you mean the words that you say?

When I was in my twenties I never wanted to get married. I never thought I will be able to afford a wedding at first. Perhaps because I had no money to get an Indian wedding done for myself. Somehow I got married, fell in love and got betrayed from my love. But even when I was in love my ex was not like me. I think I liked the differences we had. And I took that as another beauty of our love. I tried very hard so that the person who said all those vows will stand for the promises that he made. Unfortunately, I got blamed for not being a proper wife. In all I hate men who say things that they don’t mean.

I wonder that why don’t they understand that somebody might be holding on to the words they said. May be because I think I do say something I actually mean. I have had molesters, lover and the guys I tried dating. But not one whom I could see myself was getting old with. Yes, I am getting frustrated because I think I might have to just settle down with somebody who is again not like me. Because I don’t see anybody with the same interest or goals in life like me. Now I am not bragging about myself but seriously, I have not met anyone like me. And I think a couple is compatible only when they match and not when they aim for different goals or aspirations. This guy who will just say anything that will make me happy enough so that he can have a jiggy. Ahhh...I feel awful sometimes with the feeling of loneliness. But I will make it through I think.

This is just a request to all the men out there that please stop sayings words that you don’t mean. Stop being such idiots and heartbreakers. Because it hurts, it really hurts.

Is only one life fair enough?

There is so much to do
and so much to learn
I could walk over the mountains
and hold the ocean in my arms
Sing my random thoughts
and just wish for a scarlet night
I ask my dear lord
Is only one life fair enough?

I hold my dreams leash
as they start showing me a different world
With so many inspirational stories
and so many strong bodies
I question myself
Is only one life fair enough?

Pain, love and fantasy
to me they are all mystery
I know they are part of life
but still they hold our passions
like a deep burried anchor
Is there anyone who could say
Only one life is fair enough

Do you qualify to be a Mamma’s Boy?

Are you over 30 years? Look rough, play Kabaddi probably, talk boastful, act all macho? But on the other hand your mom keeps phoning and asking if you had food?  Or when you are coming home. Do you just leave your laundry for her to do? Does your   Mom tell you which race you should date or religion the girl should be?  In South Asian culture, there is a big difference in how a girl is raised and how a boy gets raised. If a boy does any household chores, no doubt he will be more appreciated and talked about and the conversation will go something like this “Awwww….poor boy had to do the dishes”. So where was he when the dishes were done other thousand times?

I know this statement will not be appreciated much by some aunties, but it is true. They pamper their little 30 year olds like they are still 5years old. Even those men understand that they are being treated like babies. But they do not want to say anything to their mothers. You know the whole “emotional drama” will start. But I wonder living in this part of the world where everyone is independent and is expected to do everything on their own. Why can’t they be left to think or do things by themselves?

What makes me laugh is that these “Mammas Boys “pretend  to be all tough and macho in front of their girlfriends and the moment their Mother phones them they become scared  little rats. Well, no disrespect there could be an emergency at home too, but really how often? They would not even tell their mother to wait or tell her that they are with somebody. The whole imagery of being a man who says “I call the decisions or I do this or that” is all pretentious to me. How do you call yourself independent when you totally depend on your mother or sisters for you daily needs?

Trust me, men do this after they get married or even go through broken marriages because of the dependent relationship and attention from their mother and sisters that too often comes before their wives needs.  So, on the mother’s part, is this fair? Or they are being selfish in regards to their own children. To some extent, it could be possible that mothers feel insecure that their beloved son is now giving attention to somebody else?

With all this I do not mean that men should separate from their Mothers and Sisters once they get married, but families need to face the fact    marriage means relationships will change. This behavior is very common in South Asian families.

Sometimes too much love is dangerous too. It’s funny that I am writing this a year after I have experienced this for myself.  My ex-husband was a baby too. At 36 years of age, he still could not think for himself and support his wife. Well in my understanding he really is up there as a “Momma’s Boy”.  Most couples go through a rough patch in a marriage, so what are you going to do as a husband? Just leave your wife and let your Mother and sister handle things for you or take charge of your own relationships?   

Some women go though this situation of playing second fiddle to the Mother in law or sister in laws for years. Marriage is primarily a relationship that involves only two individuals: the husband and wife. By this I don’t mean that you ignore your family members, but a man needs to have a spine. Well its simple - just do the right thing.  

So, if you see someone being loved too much by their Moms, phoned every five minutes to see if they have eaten, what time they are coming home, fed like a baby or all his decisions are being influenced by the loving mother, beware  they do qualify to be a “Momma’s Boy!”

Getting better

There are number of things that i have been focusing on these days. My number one has been learning how to drive. I absolutely love it. Aaah...can't wait to get my own car...did you hear me my own car!! Awsume.
I am very thankful to god for getting me out of my ex's house and giving me a fabulous family.
Well, In that house i had nothing not even $5 but look at me now i earn for myself, i am able to take care of other people too and they take care of my needs as well. I feel happy that i am out of that unhealthy and merciless relationship.
One of the new things that i tried was online dating. well, the experience has been weired that there are number of people out there who show there interest in me (most of them i find as loosers).
I interacted with only one person and that was it. I certainly don't have no interest in people who not sure as what they are doing in life. Plus i have lost interest in dating after the last jerk i went out with.
It seems impossible to find a normal educated well settled guy here. And they say Canada is an advanced country. How is this country manufacturing large number of loosers and even though women complain, they still are available.
I wish there was a return policy on men. ha...i wish i could do that to my ex husband.

The right phone

Lately I have been thinking to buy an Apple iphone…..stop laughing people….but I think it will not last long the way I have kept my records with earlier phones….I want a phone which says “ Hey!! You dropped me but that’s O.K. I will give you another chance” or says “You left me randomly somewhere but that’s  fine I can find my way back home” or even better “ a car ran over me, don’t worry nothing is broken and I am alive…I will always be there for you…no problem”

Till the time they innovate a cell phone like that I have to live with one I have…and yes I dropped it, it went through water, came back home too…aww I like my phone but still want an Apple iphone.