Body and Soul

We are bounded by our bodies
and searching for a soul
Deep within my heart
I long for another heart
My wishes have turned into a need
My karma is the seed for tomorrow
This universe is listening to my sorrow
but where are you if there is no tomorrow
Fairytale is what I grew up with
where love was as real as me right now
but are those just to hold our hopes
or just to bind our lives into loopes
Now i feel love is despair
but I also heard it is very rare
I wish i knew as what purpose i have to fulfill
This journey from one heart to the heart needs to be killed

We are bounded by our bodies
and searching for a soul

F.O.B

I will start sharing my feelings here because its an easy way to ventilate. I have been thinking for a long time that being new to the country how much are you accepted into the the society. I understand and accept the fact that Canada is multicultural and has embraced many cultures in its system. No i am not talking about in terms of countries but more in terms as how do people accept us as immigrants.
It is a shame that even though we(i mean immigrants) try so hard to learn everything new and try to gell in but we still remain the outsiders. This is just not my feeling or observation. After hundreds of insults and becoming a fabulous joke amongst group of people i have realized that i don't belong here. But now i am here what do I do? Due to my personal reasons I can't even go back to India. And i don't want to associate with those set of people anymore but they are family and i will have to see them. On the other hand i have an option to just move to some other country where i don't have anyone.
It is true that brown people do not like each other I see that every single day. I never thought that my race is going to be a part of my struggle. First time i heard the word "dipper" from my ex-sister in law and since then this word has been living with me every single day. I never heard this word being used by Caucasians or any other race other than Brown people. So this is how it goes....I went to a family gathering yesterday. Lots of people were there. It was one my second cousins baby ritual. So the night went on and bunch of ladies were talking i walked into the room searching for my phone . I found my phone and saw that one of my aunts employee called me. So my cousin takes the charge to phone her back as it does not make any sense if I phone her. As my cousin was making the employee a call she said "Why is that dipper phoning you??? Maybe because you are a dipper too and she feels comfortable with you...haha". And those other ladies started laughing and cracking more jokes on it. Now why did my cousin bring that up? To make herself look better than me or putting me down helps her to boost her confidence or lets just say to look cool. just listening to that and there has been more insults that i never shared makes me think that even my own child is going to do that to me. I am going to raise a child with all my heart to hear that I don't belong here. I am not trying to say that i have a problem being an indian from India. I see my uncle go through that everyday. But he has kids and happily married. but his own kids think that he knows less because he is an immigrant. It s funny that all his hard work and starting his life from scratch is being overlooked by his own  kids. As an immigrant we learn everything all over again. ways of living to dressing, government system and social mannerism or just say language to any thing. We putt so much of an effort at the end of the day to hear that we are "Dippers".
It is people's perception about my personality which takes me down. There has been moments when girls have made me comments and i took it. One thing about my personality I hate is that i can't answer back or hurt someone even though i get hurt. I think i find it steeping low to that persons level is not something i would do.
So my conclusion is I am just going to isolate myself as much as i could to avoid any more insults. I think that really messes up my brain. I wish I knew that being in a new country is not as welcoming as it sounds like. Another thing I would like to mention is that Brown people do not do that to any other race. That's what i mean that we don't like each other so what is the point accompanying people who really don't care about you. I am at a point where i wish that i can be on my own so that silence becomes my comfort zone. Being alone is much better than having bodies around you for just the sake to fill up the space.
This is the irony that when i was married i wished for some kind of my own family to be around and now i have it and now i just want to be all alone. Thats why i like going to school. It gives me a good break. I am going to look for a job where i just work for 10 to 12 hrs, six days minimum working so that i can make enough money and be independent.
Sorry for boring you guys and putting my negative energy out here but seriously I feel better now. Much better than from yesterday when I came home and cried and today got up and cried. Its not that i like to cry but since the time i have moved to canada crying is almost as common as smiling. I remember that there was a time when i never used to cry. I guess God is enjoying seing me breaking down. Anyways in few months I will know as what I have to do with my life live here or to move to a new country.

My learning

There are going to be different points i would like to share today. It has been two months already that i have started school. I am learning a lot. I am learning more about people than just my studies. By that i mean that once you start understanding people and different cultures you get to know more about yourself.

1. You must have heard and observed this statement a lot 'believe in yourself'. Yes, this is absolutely true. If you want to make things work have trust in your gut feelings and knowledge. I just cleared an exam with fair enough marks just on my gut feeling. And not just that i have come a long way just feeling what is right for me. so yeah that really works.

2. Learn from the people around you. I have a very dynamic class. People from different parts of the world. We all come together with different knowledge and different ways of looking at things. What i have learned from my friends is that not to panic and be comfortable if you don't understand something. On personal level i have known them more and they also help me in shaping up my views and ideas. I am lucky to have them and very grateful.

3. My uncle makes the best sandwiches....I mean he is THE BEST. I appreciate all my families support and              
love.

4. This to my another friend....i admire her will power and her strength. I learn so much from her every single day she has no idea. A very passionate, hardworking and strong lady who has done so much in life that i don't think that even a man can do.

5. People come and go in your life for a reason and some people fade out of your life. which is normal. As a single woman i can say that you give what the person is looking for but don't hold anyone because you want a company or a support in your life( i understand this as a practicality of life but still working on it).